When I Said I Do - Forsaking All Others
Today, we are focusing on the vow – “Forsaking All Others.”
Imagine two young lovers. They are followers of Jesus and have successfully abstained from sex throughout their dating and engagement period. They both love the Lord and want to Honor him in their marriage and engagement. She longs for the wedding day. She tries to find the perfect dress, the perfect location, the music, the flowers, the ceremony.
He is not dreaming about her dress, the ceremony, or the songs. Guys, you know what he is thinking about. When he says, “I do.” He means, “Let’s get busy.” The bride is convinced she is marrying Prince Charming.
He will always be romantic.
He will always rescue her.
He will always cherish her.
The groom is convinced he is marrying an insatiable, passionate woman who will be willing anytime, day or night. It doesn’t take too long before she realizes he is no prince charming, and he realizes he couldn’t have been more wrong about her sexual appetite. Then the arguments begin. The bickering back and forth begins. They hurl hurtful words at each other and cut one another to the core. Being the follower of Jesus he is, he quotes the bible to her:
Proverbs 21:9 (HCSB)
9 Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.
And she quotes right back to him…
1 Corinthians 13:11b (HCSB)
…When I became a man, I put aside childish things.
And after a short period of time, they both begin to think, “I have made a mistake…Marriage is not supposed to be this hard.”
After getting counsel from friends, they decide to end the marriage before it even had a chance to get started. They both feel shell-shocked and numb. They can’t put a finger on what exactly went wrong. Today, as we talk about “forsaking all others,” let’s remember the origin of Marriage.
God is the one who created marriage. It was God’s idea for one man to marry one woman and forsake all others. After God had created Adam, he declared that it was not good that man was alone and would make him a wife. Adam was made from the dirt, but Eve was made from one of Adam's ribs.
Let’s read:
Genesis 2:21-25 (NLT2)
21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the LORD God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. 23 “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” 24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
When a man and a woman marry, something spiritually, emotionally, and physically significant happens. Two people make a covenant to remain in a God-Ordained, God Created Marriage. This isn’t a casual hookup or temporary living arrangements. It is not a “let’s do it and let’s hope for the best.” It is a TOTAL MESHING together of Two People into one. And since God made the two one, Jesus made it crystal clear.
Matthew 19:6 (NLT2)
6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
You leave the past behind and go all-in with your spouse. No safety nets, no backup plans, no half-hearted efforts. No moving back in with Parents after the first fight. You become one flesh—spiritually, emotionally, physically. It’s you and your spouse fighting for one another, not you and your spouse when it’s convenient.
DON’T LET ‘THE D WORD’ POISON YOUR MARRIAGE
At some point very early on in our marriage, Kristy and I made a decision to treat the word, “Divorce” as though it were the most profane word in the English language.
We have argued, passionately, angrily, and heated, but we have never used the word Divorce. In all things we have said that we do not mean…we have never used the “D-Word” in our arguing. My advice to you, whether you are in your first marriage or your third, don’t let the D-word poison your marriage.
Once you begin throwing that word around, the poison will contaminate everything it touches. That word will poison your imagination, it will poison your dreams, it will poison your future, and it will try to divide into two what God has joined together as one. And, divorce is a sin but God has allowed…
THREE EXCEPTIONS: AFFAIR, ABANDONMENT, ABUSE
You made a covenant with your spouse to forsake all others – and if your spouse has broken their covenant with you by having an affair, God declares that divorce is no longer a sin.
The same God who said:
Exodus 20:14 (NLT2)
14 “You must not commit adultery.
Matthew 5:32 (NLT2)
32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.
If your spouse has broken the covenant by sleeping with another person, divorce is an option, but you can also choose to reconcile and forgive them. The second-place divorce is not considered a sin is in areas of abandonment. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7.
1 Corinthians 7:15 (NLT2)
15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.)
If you are married to an unbelieving spouse, and they abandon you, it is not a sin to divorce them. But, you can still choose to wait for them, reconcile with them, and forgive them. But regarding divorce, abuse is not clearly given as an exception.
There is no place in scripture that permits divorce in areas of abuse, so why did I put it in here?
Look at the end of verse 1 Cor. 7:15…the reason a spouse can divorce if they have been abandoned is because God has called you to live in peace. If your spouse is abusing you or your children, you do not have peace.
I watched my dad swing my mom around the living room by the hair on her head while he was in a drunken rage. If you remain in a marriage where physical abuse is occurring, you are perpetuating a cycle of violence that your children will accept as normal. So – get out. Call the police. Press charges. Take photographs.
And, because divorce is such a difficult journey, seek reconciliation and work hard to win trust and the heart of your spouse back again. You DO NOT have to settle for the solution of divorce or remaining in a marriage without joy. The story I opened with about the young bride and groom could have been Kristy’s and my story.
Our first two years of marriage were terribly difficult. I was a youth pastor. She was a Youth pastor’s wife. Outside, we looked fine. We went to church. We led bible studies. We went on mission trips. But behind the scenes, we bickered. We argued. We hurled mean words at each other. She would call me an idiot. And under my breath, I would call her a %$#. We were successful at hurting each other.
I would read Ephesians 5, where Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your husbands.” I couldn’t figure out why she would not let me lead in public. When I made a decision in front of the students, she would second-guess it. While I was trying to lead, I felt like she was trying to undermine me. After all, Eph 5:23-24 could not be any clearer:
Ephesians 5:23-24 (NLT2)
23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
Kristy was not submitting to me. She was not letting me lead. After a couple of years of this – I couldn’t ignore the nagging voice in my mind that grew louder and louder, “I married the wrong person.” “I made a mistake.” “She doesn’t love Jesus enough…” And then God showed me that I was so focused on Kristy’s role that I had failed 100% to understand my role in Ephesians 5. First, I had missed completely Eph 5:21.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT2)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Paul taught throughout scripture that followers of Jesus ought to always practice mutual submission, set aside their own selfish desires, and live to serve others. Second, I had missed completely Eph 5:25
Ephesians 5:25 (NLT2)
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her…
Circle, “He gave up his life for her…”
See, God showed me his desire is not for me to lead but for me to give up my life for my wife. Husbands and wives, your marriage is not doomed to fail.
TO EXPERIENCE ONENESS, YOU MUST SURRENDER SELFISHNESS.
God’s design in marriage is that two people will become one. Therefore, oneness is the goal in every marriage. Submitting to your husband and giving your life up for your wife is MUTUAL SUBMISSION TO ONENESS.
Since I was a child, I have learned to take care of my own body. I learned to brush my teeth, wash my face, and try to look presentable when company comes over. I learned that my body needs to rest, exercise, and get sunlight in order to feel healthy. Ever since I can remember, I have taken care of myself. I eat to give my body energy and nourishment. I exercise to keep my body healthy. Nobody can force me to get up at a certain time, go to work, ride my bike, or be nice to others. I get to make decisions about what I do each and every day. It’s my body.
Until.
The day Kristy and I married, I gave 100% authority over my body to my wife. That’s why I find my socks with her clothes. That’s why her fresh towel is used before she can use it. That’s why I sleep on the edge of the bed most nights.
1 Corinthians 7:4 (NLT2)
4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
Oneness is God’s plan for marriage. For the husband, there is nothing in his life that is off-limits to his wife, and for the wife, there is nothing in her life that is off-limits to him. At any point at any time, my wife can pick up my phone, look through my text messages, calendar, emails, Facebook friends and messages, browser history trail… there is nothing in my life that is off-limits to my wife. And she has given me permission to pick up her phone and do the same. Why? Because I have given authority of my body to my wife, and she has given the authority of her body to me. So, surrender to oneness.
Take another look at the experience of Adam and Eve in Genesis.
Genesis 2:25 (NLT2)
25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.
Adam and Eve were both naked and felt no shame. So, as you lean into oneness, you and your spouse should…
BE NAKED (WITHOUT SHAME OR SECRETS.)
In Genesis, being "naked without shame" wasn’t simply regarding physical intimacy—though that’s definitely part of it, and we praise God for that. Adam and Eve had no pockets! They had no secrets stashed in closets or under their beds. Since sin had not yet entered the world, Adam and Eve were truthful and real with one another and held nothing back from their spouse. They were not controlled by fear, worry, or shame. They loved one another and held nothing back. So, be naked and empty out your pockets. Open up parts of your heart that are easy to hide. Express the fears you keep buried and the hopes you hesitate to express.
God’s intention for marriage was not for two people pretending everything is perfect.
It wasn’t two people living together but hiding the truth from one another. God intended you and your spouse to be vulnerable and transparent with each other. God gave us marriage so we could learn what it’s like to love unconditionally and to be loved unconditionally.
So, if you’re holding something back—a fear, past mistake, or worry- I want to challenge you to share that with your spouse. Be naked, not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, without shame, without secrets.
“Forsaking all others” will change the course of your life. Forsaking all others means that I choose you—every day, in every moment, even when it's hard, even when I’m not feeling it. Forsaking all others means you keep the door closed when someone else—maybe a coworker or an old flame—comes knocking. It means that when you are tempted to look at something you shouldn’t, you remember that your eyes, heart, and body belong to your spouse. It means that you are choosing “us” over your selfish desires.
That’s the beauty of marriage. It’s the opportunity to live out God’s love story—sacrificing for one another, fighting for one another, giving grace when it’s not deserved, and standing by each other’s side until death do us part. So, if you’re here today and wondering if you married the wrong person, I want you to hear me.
God can redeem anything. He can breathe new life into your marriage if you’re willing to fight for it.