When I Said I Do - In Sickness & In Health
Today, we are focusing on the vow – “In sickness and in Health.”
A few months ago, I had one of the worst bouts of heartburn in my life. I typically take over-the-counter meds for it, but I had run out, and I kept forgetting to pick up more. Rather than buying the meds, I would pop a Tums when I would feel the acid burning. Then, one night, the acid reflux was so bad that I woke up with my mouth watering and my skin clammy, and I’m not kidding; I thought I was going to die.
I got out of bed, and standing up made it worse. I dug through the medicine cabinet, the closets, and under the bathroom sink. I couldn’t find anything.
And the reflux kept getting worse. I broke out into cold sweats. I was going to throw up. Sweating, I laid down on the Kitchen floor and pressed my face against the tile. Believing I was dying, I yelled, “Help. Somebody, please help me.”
Kristy and the girls woke up and found me in my miserable state. At 1:30 in the morning, Kristy got in the car and drove to the gas station to pick up Rolaids and Omeprazole. Meanwhile, Jessie was wetting a rag and placing it on my forehead to help cool me down. After what felt like three hours, Kristy came home and brought Rolaids, Pepto, and Omeprazole, and I finally felt relief.
Being a man is tough, right?
I’m not the only guy who’s been a little dramatic when feeling sick. Right guys?
Right?
We can mow the yard, change the oil, and fix a flat tire, but when we get a bad case of the sniffles, we check our man card at the door, turn into little boys, and want our wives to be our mommas. When Adam and Eve chose to sin, and sin entered the world, it brought with it death, destruction, and disease. Sin gave birth to cancer, heart disease, aneurysms, blood clots, strokes, and heart attacks.
And when you made a covenant with your spouse, looked them in the eye, and said the lines, “in sickness and in health,” you made a covenant that you would continue to stay married to one another, no matter how bad their heartburn was.
Some interesting information I found is according to studies when one spouse is diagnosed with a serious illness, like cancer or another terminal condition, the chances of divorce actually increase. We think it would be the opposite. If our spouse gets a terminal illness, that’s the opportunity to love them fiercely and help them…
But…
The divorce rate goes up. The stress, the emotional weight, the financial burden of medical bills, pharmacy prices, doctor care…
All the stress builds up, and marriages end.
And, men, here is something for us to get better at:
The divorce rate increases higher when the wife has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. It’s not true in every situation, but women are most commonly the nurturers in the home. They are “motherly” to us when we are sick. And men often don’t know how to handle that role reversal. We are used to being the providers, the ones who are strong and when our wives get sick, we don’t always know how to step into the caregiver role.
This is why the vow 'In Sickness and in Health' becomes so important. It’s easy to say those words on your wedding day, but living them out is where the real challenge comes in. But the good news is if we read and apply God’s Word, he will change our lives. So let’s look at Romans 12:9-13 and see what applications we can make to help us remain committed to our spouse, “In sickness and in health.”
Romans 12:9-13 (NLT2)
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
I love the simplicity and plainspoken truth of verse 9.
“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them.”
Ready for a confession?
Sometimes, it is easy for me as a Pastor to pretend to love other people. I enjoy standing in the lobby and connecting with people. But sometimes, my mind wanders, and I catch myself feeling like I am going through the motions instead of really loving them. When my mind wanders, I have to remind myself that the person I am speaking with is a child of God, that Jesus gave his life for them, and that the Spirit of the Lord loves them deeply. So, if your spouse is struggling with the flu, cancer, or the man cold, my first piece of advice is to…
LISTEN TO THEIR NEED, NOT WHAT YOU THINK THEY NEED
Listen to their need, not what you think they need. When we are caring for a sick loved one, we can be guilty of going through the motions without really loving them. It is easy to “pretend” to show love and give them the care we think they need rather than listening to them and giving them the care they really do need.
For instance, if your spouse has the flu and has spent 12 hours throwing up and clinging to the commode, they really don’t want to eat anything you have cooked. Even if it is your homemade, fresh-baked, secret recipe. Food is not going to help them feel better. They need rest. Fluids. And Sleep. And, if they are a man, they need lots of pity.
If you really love them and they tell you they do not want anything to eat, believe them. Or, if your spouse has a tremendous migraine and they tell you they do not want to go out for dinner, do not want to watch a show, or do not want to go for a walk, believe them. Let them rest and give them the space they need. Remember, when your spouse is sick, they still love you, but…they are sick. They need time to recuperate, so make sure while they are sick that you listen to their need, not what you think they need. Now, that step is for sicknesses like the cold, flu, or broken bones. Eventually our bodies will heal and recover.
However, there are frightening diagnoses that are life-threatening. Those life-threatening diseases that we face in life are opportunities for you to love your spouse with a deeper love than you know is possible. Men, this is where we need to dig-deep. We are used to our wives being the nurturing one – but it is in these times we must dig deep and love like Jesus does.
By God’s design, women are more nurturing, more compassionate, and more caring than we are. God designed Mother’s to protect, nourish, and care for their children in ways that a male cannot…and…men have a tendency to be the protector. When men can’t protect our spouse from a terminal illness, we can run. We feel powerless, and apart from digging deep and showing real love, we are. So I encourage you to lead in your family through a complete surrender to the Lord. Ask the Lord to help you care for your spouse and meet their needs.
Trust Him. Remain faithful. And when it it gets hard:
FIND WAYS TO LAUGH, EVEN WHEN IT’S HARD
Romans 12:10 (NLT2)
10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
As you love each other with genuine affection that is not forced, not faked, look for ways to laugh with one another to keep joy stirring in your own heart, the heart of your spouse, and in your children. Life is hard enough, and when we face a life-threatening disease, we must dig deep and laugh often. Now, I’m not a big “laugher.” I am one of those annoying guys in the group. When something is funny, I say, “That’s funny.”
Instead of laughing. Instead of smiling. I say, “That’s funny.” Isn’t that annoying?
But when I am around the laughers, I get tickled. Not around the people with the polite social laughs but the laughers who are genuine and contagious. Those laughers bring joy to other people.
As I prepared for this message, I knew I could go in a couple of directions. I could go deep into the painful but redemptive stories of those who lost their spouses because of illness. Or, I could emphasize the lighter side of sickness.
So, what I have tried to do is balance the two. Several weeks ago, as I prepared this message, I read story after story of marriages that experienced cancer, treatments, and death. The stories broke my heart. But I saw one common element in all the stories I read: the person who was sick doesn’t want their sickness to bring their families down. When they faced a life-changing diagnosis, they still wanted to laugh. They were depressed, but they didn’t want their diagnosis to bring everybody down around them. And, your laughter will help your spouse and your family cling to joy, hope, and not be caught up in the sadness that a scary diagnosis can bring.
So – listen to the comedy genius of “Jim Gaffigan” or “Tim Hawkins.” Watch some movies that are guaranteed to make you laugh. Learn to tell jokes – and get the delivery and timing down. Find ways to laugh, even when it’s hard. Along those lines, I encourage you to:
CREATE A GRATITUDE LIST, AND MAKE IT VISIBLE
Romans 12:12 (NLT2)
12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.
As you rejoice in your confident hope, make a list of all the things you and your family have to be thankful for. Buy chalkboard paint and chalk and dedicate a wall in your home for all the things you are thankful for. Let it be visible, and when you pass it, stop and read through it. Go over it, and over it. And every time you pass it, let it sink in of all the things you are grateful for in your life. And my final piece of advice is when caring for a spouse who is sick – especially caring for one who has been sick for a while…
TOUCH FOR COMFORT, NOT JUST ROMANCE
Touch each other for comfort, not romance. That means when you offer to rub their back, it is only a back-rub. Your spouse loves you. They want to be romantic with you – but when they are sick they don’t feel like themselves
Paul said:
Romans 12:12-13 (NLT2)
12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
Be confident in your hope in Jesus. Be patient. Keep on praying for your spouse. When they are sick, they are in need – so be ready to help them…and practice hospitality to your spouse. The Covenant “In sickness and in health” is our opportunity to demonstrate hospitality to our spouse. We accommodate our behavior for them and accommodate our needs for their needs because we love them…
Next week we are going to look at the vow we remember the most, “Forsaking all Others.”