When I Said I Do - To Love and To Cherish
I understand that not everybody reading this is married.
Some are engaged.
Some are single and loving it.
Some are yearning for a relationship.
Some have lost a spouse to death.
Some are divorced.
I hope that as we go through this five-week series, God will show up and encourage and strengthen you. Over the next five weeks, we will examine the traditional Wedding Vows exchanged during many wedding ceremonies. And, on the last week of our series, you and your spouse are invited to stand and RENEW your WEDDING vows…
Do you remember when you said, I Do?
On December 11, 1999, Kristy Lumpkins and I stood at the wedding altar at Grace Baptist Church in Nashville, TN, in front of a crowd of roughly 300 people and made a covenant to remain married to one another, no matter what. We exchanged vows, lit a unity candle, and were pronounced legally and spiritually husband and wife. Then we kissed one another…and let me tell you…that kiss was awesome.
Kristy grabbed me by the back of my neck and laid one on me. Do you think I’m teasing you?
Here is a photo:
After we were pronounced husband and wife, we walked down the center aisle. Friends from church, college, and high school cheered us on. Her family cheered us on. My family cheered us on…They celebrated and cheered for us. After we left the worship center, we were briefly alone, and as we hugged and embraced…I broke down and sobbed. I could not believe Kristy Lou followed through on her YES to marry me. I felt honored and humbled and had difficulty believing she had married me.
I was fearful that Kristy would break up and end our engagement…
But Kristy showed up on our wedding day, walked the aisle, and said, I DO.
That, in a nutshell, is the story of our wedding day. Chances are excellent that your wedding was probably similar. When you exchanged vows with your spouse, the officiant turned and asked you to repeat after him something like this:
I, Joe
take you, Kristy
to be my wedded wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
forsaking all others,
till death we do part,
I pledge to my life in Holy Matrimony…
The exchange of your vows was more than just a promise. It was more than just a piece of paper. It was more than just a legal formality. In front of your family, friends, community, and God, you made a covenant with one another that no matter what – the two of you will stick together through the highs and lows of life. Whether you go broke, get rich, stay healthy, or get cancer. You vowed that no matter what…you will continue to love and cherish one another, forsaking everybody else until you die.
That is HUGE.
It was a vow, and you exchanged rings for each of you to wear.
Those rings declare to everyone who will see or interact with you: “I am married – so back off, Bubba!”
Now – nearly 25 years later…30 lbs later…2 ½ years of battling depression…Nine houses…Six states…Six years of infertility…Four children and three with T1D…
We still say, “I do.”
It hasn’t always been easy – but despite the difficulties we have experienced, we have always known that we are entirely devoted to one another.
What about you? Do you still say, “I Do?”
Today, we are going to focus on the line in the vow… “To Love and to Cherish.”
Paul described LOVE in 1 Corinthians 13. He writes:
1 Corinthians 13:1-11 (NLT2)
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing. 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless. 11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
This passage is by far the most definitive in defining and describing LOVE. Several years ago, I asked my daughters, “Girls, what is a way to show love to people who are mean to us?”
My five-year-old Violet said, “Punching them.”
Sofia said, “That’s not loving them.”
Violet said, “It is for me!”
I think sometimes, in marriage, we need clarity around the meaning of love. Like Violet, we can have a wrong understanding of love. The first point I want to make is…
WITHOUT LOVE, MARRIAGE IS NOISY
In the First Century, most PAGAN TEMPLES had a big GONG or a Cymbal hanging at the entrance. When people came to worship, they would hit the GONG or the Cymbal to awaken their PAGAN GODS so they would listen to their prayers.
Paul is saying that even if he could articulate eloquently in every language but didn't have love, his life was as useless as this ridiculous pounding on a gong to awaken nonexistent gods. It is important to remember that, inside of marriage, we can go through all the motions and not demonstrate love to one another.
You can go to work, do the dishes,
Do the laundry, fill the cars up with gas, clean the house, pay the bills, and you can complain about it the whole time.
Have you ever been around a clanging cymbal?
It is a little irritating and obnoxious. And when you are doing things in your marriage without love– it gets noisy and irritating, too. And, this is true for...
ALL RELATIONSHIPS.
We can DO all the right things in marriage and all relationships – but it is obnoxious if we serve without love. If we do the laundry without love – it is irritating. If we pack lunches without love – it is noisy. If we work in customer service without love – it is irritating. It is noisy if we serve in any ministry area without love.
So, are you showing love to your spouse daily, or are you growing more irritated with one another? Sometimes, we do things without love – and sometimes, we love our spouse WRONG. Sometimes, people THINK they are showing love to their spouse, but they are not. Male or female, we each have a Love Language. When your spouse speaks your love language, it fills your love bucket up, and you feel loved.
FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
I love it when my wife compliments and encourages me…and…I love it when we touch. (that’s why we have four kids…) If your Love Language is Quality Time and your spouse intentionally spends quality time with you, you feel loved. But, if your Love Language is Physical Touch, and your spouse intentionally gives you gifts, your love bucket never feels full. If you are out of sync with your spouse, if you haven’t yet learned to speak their love language, you can buy them gifts, do acts of service, and speak words of affirmation, but if their love language is physical touch – they still will not feel loved and valued by you!
You may have thought or said, “She says she doesn’t feel loved, but I am always doing things for her. I am always encouraging her. I am always buying gifts for her. How can she not feel loved?”
Great! Because if you want to experience becoming ONE with your spouse, you have to learn to speak your spouse's love language. I will give you two options to get better at loving your spouse:
5LoveLanguages.com is a free test. It is excellent, simple, and a good place to begin.
BetterLove.com is $35 for a couple, but it is a more comprehensive approach. It will offer an assessment and a Better Love Action Plan.
If we are not willing to learn to speak the love language of our spouse, we are being selfish.
Paul said:
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 : (Love) does not demand its own way.
When we do demand our own way, we are being selfish, so remember:
SELFISHNESS DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS
Selfishness destroys the oneness that your marriage could experience. During creation, we discover the goal of marriage. Afterward, we see a description of how God formed Adam from dirt and how Eve was created from Adam’s rib. Adam exclaimed when he saw her, “Woah, Man – bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”
The author of Genesis went on to explain God’s purpose in marriage:
Genesis 2:24 (NLT2)
24 This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
God’s goal for every marriage is that TWO separate people would grow together as ONE. Oneness. TWO people seeking to GROW together in ONENESS. Oneness means that you are leaning in the same direction. Oneness means working together to advance God’s Kingdom in your marriage.
Oneness means you are quick to forgive. Quick to seek forgiveness. It means you accept apologies and show mercy to one another. Oneness means when your spouse does upset you – you show them the same mercy God shows you. And DEMANDING your way in marriage ruins God’s plan for you. You will never know the joy of ONENESS if you always insist on having things your way. And, if you are always demanding to have your way, gently, it is time you…
GROW UP AND LOVE SACRIFICIALLY
The Apostle Paul said in verse 11:
1 Corinthians 13:11 (NLT2)
11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
In the context of this passage, Paul says he became a MAN when he began to practice LOVE! Children think only about themselves, so grow up! A child cannot see from another person's perspective or understand from another point of view, so grow up. Children demand their way, stomp their feet, and hold their breath when they do not get their way. And – if you find that you are always insistent that your spouse does things your way – it is Time that you grew up. Tell the boy in you to sit down. It is time for the man to stand up. Tell the little girl in you to sit down. It is time for the woman to stand up.
Stop being selfish. Stop throwing temper tantrums when you do not get your way. It is time to put childish ways behind you. God loves you. He wants to help you and your spouse put childish ways behind you. If you allow God to help you put childish ways behind you, you will open the door to the most amazing years in your marriage… it is never too late to start.