Guardrails - Honor Your Father and Mother
No Other Gods.
Do Not Have Idols
Do not misuse God’s name.
Rest on the Sabbath.
Honor your Father and Mother.
Do not Murder.
Do not Commit Adultery.
Do Not Steal.
Do Not Lie.
Do Not Covet.
Today, we look at the Fourth Commandment, “Honor your Father and Mother.”
Exodus 20:12 (NLT2)
12 “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
When I was a child growing up in Pennsylvania and Tennessee, my family was the furthest thing from a normal or perfect family. My dad was a “temper tantrum, drunk before-noon alcoholic who raped my mom and sexually abused me.”
Filled with anger and hurt, my brothers and sisters clawed at and fought each other. My parents divorced, and with my mom, I lived in a YWCA shelter and later was placed in a psychiatric hospital for three months; then, I went to live with my grandmother.
So, the question I want us to wrestle with today as we look at the Commandment to Honor our Father and Mother is this,
“How do we honor parents who were not honorable?”
Many of you know exactly what I mean by that question. Maybe the people God placed in your life to nurture you and guide you hurt and abused you instead of protecting and blessing you. You may look at this commandment and cringe at the thought that you would ever Honor your parents because of what they did to you.
I understand. Trust me.
Growing up, I often imagined what it would be like to have a different set of parents and live in a different family. From all appearances, it seemed like many of my friend's families had it all together. Their dads showed up at their Little League games.
Their parents attended school functions and award ceremonies and cheered for their kids. Their siblings stood up for each other rather than tearing each other down. I would think, “If only I had a dad like theirs, a mom like theirs, a big brother like theirs, or a sister like theirs, everything would be perfect.”
As we consider this fourth commandment, it is essential to remember that:
PARENTS ARE NOT PERFECT PEOPLE AND NEED GRACE, TOO.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, and there is certainly no such thing as a perfect parent. We who grew up in abusive households often suffer from this childhood delusion that parents can be perfect, and we try to become perfect parents ourselves.
We show up at the games.
We cheer for our kids and make a fuss over them.
Rather than seeking to become a godly parent, we try to become a perfect parent. We are hard on ourselves when we mess up, and we fear we will repeat some of the same mistakes our parents made.
Let me relieve you of this pressure.
You will make some of the mistakes your parents made! I am not suggesting you will abuse your children, but I am telling you that you will make many mistakes as a parent.
I have.
My wife has.
You have.
So, show yourself grace. Forgive yourself when you mess up, converse with your kiddo, and move on.
Now, the Fifth Commandment doesn’t say Honor your Father and Mother unless…
“they were overbearing or yelled too much.”
“were never home.”
“never helped with your homework.”
“or were abusive.”
No. God says Honor your father and mother.
But he ends the command with a promise:
You will live a long, full life
What does that mean? It means if you honor your father and mother, God will bless you with a long, joy-filled, happy life. It is important to God that we honor our parents. When God gave this commandment, sin had already entered the world. Parents were already imperfect. God knew abuse would happen. None of us were ever perfect but remember, if you are a follower of Jesus – you are in the process of being PERFECTED…and if your parents are followers of Jesus – they are in the process of being perfected, too.
The Apostle Paul said this in Philippians:
Philippians 3:12 (NLT2)
12 I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.
Paul acknowledged something that many people in church today have difficulty admitting:
He told the church he was not perfect! We are all unfinished followers of Jesus. Show yourself grace, and show grace to your parents as well. Now, let’s talk about God’s plan for the family. Paul wrote to the Ephesian church and explained the fifth commandment to them and shed some light on what a “perfect” family could look like:
He wrote:
Ephesians 5:31-6:4 (NLT2)
31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
The Bible teaches us that the family begins with a husband and a wife. A man leaves his parents and marries his wife, and the two people become ONE and the role of parents and children is pretty clear in this passage:
GOD’S DESIGN: PARENTS LEAD, AND CHILDREN OBEY
Parents lead, and children obey. First, Parents, since you have the weighty responsibility to lead your family, it is so important that you lead together. Rather than Mom and Dad working together as they LEAD their family, sometimes it feels more like a tug-of-war. A mom sees their kiddo doing something they are not supposed to be doing, and their sweet, innocent child says, “Dad said I could.” Then, an argument begins because Mom and Dad aren’t leading in the same direction.
Sound familiar?
If it does…Beach Church has a Marriage sermon series this fall to help married couples grow closer. It will be a five-week series that will end with an opportunity for couples to stand and renew their vows at the close of the service. It’s a series I am looking forward to!
Now, if you are a child living with your parents, remember God’s plan is to bless you, protect you, and guard your life, so your responsibility in your family is to Obey your parents. Take out the trash, wash the dishes, clean your room, walk the dog, clean the bathroom, mow the yard, do your homework…
Whatever your Parents ask you to do, your Biblical responsibility is to do it. To obey. And Dad, be patient with your children. Don’t provoke them to anger. Instead, dig into God's word and be patient with your children. Understand that when your children disobey you, they disobey God. And, if they are a follower of Jesus, God will deal with them. The Spirit of the Lord is going to prompt them to obey you.
And if your child is not a follower of Jesus, be as patient with them as God has been with you. Children…when you obey your parents, you HONOR your Father and your Mother!When we look into the mirror of the Word of God, no matter what role you play in your family, Husbands, Wives, Moms, Dads, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters. None of us are perfect! So, remember that experiencing God's Design for Family begins with you.
It doesn’t start with any other family member.
God is working in your life right now, so let that change begin with you. There is a way that you can “open the door” for God to work in your parents' hearts, to the Lord in your family. You know, the bible warns followers of Jesus not to allow the devil a “foothold” in their lives.
But what if you gave God a foothold in your family? Whether you are an adult child who struggles with Honoring your Father and Mother or whether you are a teenager living at home.
What if you gave God a foothold to change your family’s life? Wouldn’t that be awesome?
So, let me encourage you to…
F.A.C.E. each other.
(Forgive, Accept, Communicate, Empathize)
FACE each other. Forgive, accept, communicate, and Empathize. God will heal your family if you begin to do these four things. Whatever part you play in your family, Forgive. Don’t hold a grudge. Everything my Dad did to me, I forgave him.
Forgiveness is a wall-shattering, door-busting weapon that will break open the door to give God room to work in your family. Forgiveness does not mean pretending hurt never happened and going on with life. Time does not heal all wounds. But, if you do not forgive your family who have hurt you, you will live with bitterness and sourness in your soul. That bitterness will begin to impact all of your relationships, so choose to forgive them.
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison in South Africa for advocating for equal rights for all people. When he was finally released, he said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
He was right! Holding a grudge makes you sick.
Forgive because Jesus has forgiven you.
Forgive for your benefit.
Forgive to move on.
Forgive so God can begin knitting your family back together.
Secondly, ACCEPT each other in your family.
Romans 15:7 (NLT2)
7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.
Your parents, your siblings – they are not like you. If you are an adult child, let go of the resentment of not having a “perfect family” and accept your family for who they are.
Why?
Because Jesus gave you an example to follow, he accepted and adopted you into his family.
John 3:3 (NLT2)
3 Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”
First, if you are a follower of Jesus, you are born one more time. Then, after you have been born a second time, God does not leave you abandoned on the street. Jesus said
John 14:18 (NLT2)
18 No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you.
You were not left abandoned as an orphan on the street trying to figure out how to live as a follower of Jesus after you were born that second time. Something exceptional happened to you. Despite your sin, your bad breath, and your bad haircut, you were accepted and got adopted!
Romans 8:15b (NLT2)
…you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”
God adopted you into his family. The creator of the Galaxies accepted you. Now, you get to call God “Abba, Father.” He calls you son and daughter, and you call him Father.
He knows you bite your fingernails.
He knows you clink the cereal bowl too much.
He knows your jaw pops when you eat, yet he still accepted you and adopted you into his family.
If you believed in Him and surrendered your life to him, he accepted you and gave you full rights as his child.
John 1:12 (NLT2)
12 But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.
Not only did God accept you into his family, but God gave you all the privileges of his only begotten son, Jesus.
Did you hear that?
God accepted YOU.
God ADOPTED you.
You belong to His family.
And – it keeps getting better!
God’s acceptance of you does not mean you are the black sheep of the family. You are not the odd man out. You are not a weird step-child or a half-sibling.
This is special. This is significant:
Galatians 4:7 (NLT2)
7 Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.
Romans 8:17A (NLT2)
17 And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory…
Galatians 3:29 (NLT2)
29 And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.
1 Peter 1:4 (NLT2)
4 and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.
We are heirs to God’s throne.
We are co-heirs with Jesus.
We have equal status to Jesus Christ.
What belongs to Jesus will also belong to us!
Ephesians 1:5 (NLT2)
5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
Your second birth, your adoption, and your status as a co-heir with Christ did not come from God reluctantly. He didn’t accept you begrudgingly. He didn’t drag his feet. Your acceptance and adoption into God's family brought him great pleasure!
Like the pleasure new parents have when they hold their newborn, you brought great pleasure to God. He wanted to get you into his family and bless you with everything. He accepted you. Now – because God has accepted you…
ACCEPT others.
Reciprocate God’s acceptance and accept your parents. Accept your siblings. Accept your family. Accept your adult children.
Romans 15:7 (NLT2)
7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.
So, Forgive, Accept, and Communicate…As you forgive and accept your family, communicate with them.
Communication is a sign that “all is well.” When we don’t communicate with one another, especially our family, we communicate that “we have a problem with them.”
When we offer the silent treatment to our parents, we are not honoring them. When we ignore our parents, we do not honor them. So, communicate.
If you are an adult child, pick up the phone and call your mom. Call your dad. Yes, the phone works both ways – but you are a follower of Jesus, and God is working in your life. So, humble yourself, give God a foothold into your family and be the first to pick up the phone and call your parents. Fill them in on what is happening in your and your family's lives.
Invite them to the next birthday party. Invite them to your home for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or Easter.
Because you have forgiven them…
Because you have accepted them…
Communicate to them. Empathize with them.
That means understanding their feelings and emotions as best as you can. Understand that your adult parents may live with deep regret and shame over the way they treated you when you were younger. Understand that they may wake up every day ashamed of their reflection in the mirror…and hope you forgive them one day. When Paul was writing to the Corinthian church about a man who professed to be a follower of Jesus but blew it, sinned, and brought shame to the church. He told them to kick him out of the church.
But later, Paul heard that the same man was deeply ashamed of his sin but could not return to his church family.
Paul said this:
2 Corinthians 2:5-7 (NLT2)
5 I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more than he hurt me. 6 Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. 7 Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement.
Paul said this man had caused great hurt to the church… but it was now time to forgive him, “otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement.”
The lesson? Sometimes, we, as followers of Jesus, have profound regret and remorse over our past, and guilt and regret can overcome us. When that happens, discouragement settles into the soul of a follower of Jesus. Rather than radiating joy, that person becomes overwhelmed with discouragement, sadness, depression…
It happens.
So, inside your family, show empathy. Showing them empathy means you understand how they feel because you have also felt that way. You have had regret and needed others to forgive you, accept you, and communicate with you…so show them empathy. That means you will be demonstrating to your family what it looks like to “Love your Neighbor as yourself” and “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” If you can learn to FACE your family, you will live in a way that honors your parents and glorifies your Father in Heaven.
I need to work on that.